Judge Not…

 

“You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.2Now we know that God’s judgment against those who do such things is based on truth.3So when you, a mere man, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God’s judgment?4Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness leads you toward repentance?”

- Romans 2:1-4

One of the most unfortunate traits of human beings is that we more often than not, harshly judge others. We will condemn the burglar but we pardon the ‘white collar’ criminal.  We look down on the homosexual but then enjoy watching porn videos with two lesbians going at it.  We will condemn the stripper for her ‘lowly’ lifestyle, but be the first  ones at Strokers ‘just to hang out’ on Friday night.  We condemn out of wedlock births, but we engage in the same illicit activities as those we condemn.  Long story short, people in general lean towards hypocrisy.

One of the things that I have always tried to focus on is being non-judgemental in the manner in which I deal with people.  I have never been that person who sets out to negatively judge people based on the kind of car that they drive, the zip code that they live in, or their family or educational background.   I am definitely not going to sit here and say that I have never and do not ever – judge someone; but it is something that I try to remain aware of and guard myself from doing. 

An example of this would be a girl who is a stripper and shakes her money maker in front of a crowd on the weekends. During the weekday she may be a single mom who is trying to provide for her children and is in school during the week studying to become a nurse. She almost was evicted from her apartment because she could not find a job that paid her enough…but then she decided to do what she had to do in order to provide for herself and her children. People may judge her based on what she does for a living, but given her circumstances I think it would be interesting for someone to say they wouldn’t do something similar if placed in a similar predicament.

Another example may be someone who has a felony record for selling drugs. He may be judged by those around him for his background…but upon closer inspection those same people who are standing in judgement – smoke weed on the weekends and pop ecstasy pills before they go out to clubs. Are these people morally better because they are not ‘criminals’? Additionally can they say that given the same life circumstances that they would not do the same? It is an interesting mental exercise…

30 Something Revelation: Stay away from judging others for their actions and circumstances.  Unless you have walked a mile in that person’s shoes you have no idea of what brought them to the place and space that they are in. At some point in our life, we have ALL fallen short of our personal best therefore it is unjust to condemn another person for their personal actions – particularly when not taking into account the circumstances that brought them to that point. 

IT AIN’T ABOUT YOU PART II.

One of the most important lessons that someone can learn on the path toward enlightenment is that no one can ever really do anything to you.  We are never victims of the actions of others unless we DECIDE to become victims.  Because of the understanding of this, I very rarely allow myself to get stirred up and upset by the actions of others.  I am free from most of the emotional baggage that comes from the feeling that if I had only behaved differently, done certain things etc., that things would have turned out differently People do things because of their own reasons – their own past hurts, insecurities, and perceptions.  It is NEVER ABOUT YOU.  It is important however to recognize people for who they are and not take on responsibility for the actions of others or feel victim to another person’s actions.

A few years ago I had an old boyfriend who asked me to borrow $1,000.  At the time, I had the money but I also needed the money.  As a general rule, I try not to let folks borrow money that I NEED to get back.  By doing so, that helps me not be stressed out and messed up in the event that they do not pay me.  I ended up listening to a nicely thought out story of what he was going to do with the funds, why  he needed it, and how soon he was going to give it back to me.  It sounded believable.  However, deep inside I was hesitant.  I didn’t quite believe that he was going to do what he said that he was going to do and that feeling caused me to hesitate.  I took 24 hours and ended up giving him the money – knowing that I needed it for other things and that this man had a history of promising to do things but never following up with them.  I talked myself into it. 

I guess it is no surprise that 2 weeks later when he was supposed to get the money back to me, he was nowhere to be found.  He didn’t call me.  I couldn’t get him on the phone.  I was stressed.  I spent a full 24 hours blowing his phone up from my cell phone and various other numbers in an effort to get him on the phone.  All to no avail.  Then I had a decision, I could either stay up that night, be angry and worry about what was going on and when he was going to call me – or I could let it go.  I went through a variety of emotions including ‘how could he do that to me knowing that I needed it back?’, ‘he never really cared about me if he could do this to me’, ‘ he is a liar, I hate him!’….and then I decided to let it go.  In actuality he didn’t do anything to me.  I knew who he was.  We had a relationship that spanned well over a year and during that time I saw that he was often unreliable and did not do what he said that he was going to do.  I also had previously witnessed how he manipulated others to do what he wanted.  It should have been really no surprise that it happened.  I knew better and my spirit warned me against it.  I did it anyway. 

Because of this, I was able to forgive him and let it go.  We now talk periodically and I am cordial to him.  But I am still waiting on that money…

30 Something Revelation:  People are who they show you that they are.  Don’t perpetuate your perception of who you want someone to be onto them.  When someone shows you their true personality and character – believe them.  If you choose not to believe them, don’t get mad when they fall short of your expectations.

Swag.

Get your Swag Game Up

Last night a friend of mine and I had a conversation about SWAG. For those of you who are unaware…swag is short for swagger ie. confidence – or at least the ability to ‘appear’ confident even when you are not internally feeling that way. We both agreed that the single most important factor to an individuals success in all categories, is about internal confidence or belief that what they desire is not only possible – but what they are SUPPOSED to have.

Part of conversation spurned out of the wonderment at the fact that Lil Wayne – a rapper with numerous tattoos on his face and neck- was pulling some rather fine women. It didn’t seem logical given his appearance that the type of women that he has been associated with would be attracted to him, but indeed he seems to have a pretty strong pull on the women that he has dated. Then we went on…Jermaine Dupri and Janet Jackson….Beyonce and Jay Z…Puff Daddy and random chicks worldwide… While it can be asserted that the common denominator in the above examples is that all of these men have money – I will assert that it is not because of their money…but because of their swag. I will go further and say that the reason that they have the status and money that they do have is BECAUSE of their swag. In other words, swag comes first…”success” comes second.

I have thought about this phenomenon repeatedly and have actually experienced it upclose, whereby I have dated some men who have been a bit less than attractive just based on the way they carry themself. It is a fascinating phenomenon. I have had friends who blinked a few times at first interaction with these suspect characters like…why? Then after a few more in depth exchanges they were feeling me.

30 Something Revelation: Swag is THE MOST important trait that a person who would like to have success in life can develop. Once you believe in yourself and carry yourself as one who is entitled to be treated a certain way, people will treat you accordingly. It all starts with you.

The Countdown is on and A Call to Action!

 

The countdown to the most important election of our lifetime is on and it is IMPERATIVE that everyone you and everyone you know both registers AND gets out to vote!  I also encourage everyone who can to GET INVOLVED on some level or another.  This is not a time for complacency and it is definitely a time for people to pull together and work for the common good which is to keep the presidency out of Palin, McSame’s, McCain’s hands. 

Personally I am doing a couple of things to do my part towards the cause:

1) I have personally volunteered to be a Volunteer Team Coordinator for zip codes 30327 & 30318 out here in Atlanta Georgia.  What I am doing is pulling together people who would like to get involved in the campaign and organizing voter registration, canvassing, phone banking, and parties to help turn out more voters and raise the awareness of Obama on important issues.  If you or someone that you know in the Atlanta area would like to get involved, please email me at mssoteria@ymail.com with your name, and phone number and I will follow up with you and provide you more information on how you can get involved.   Two things I would like to highlight for the week ahead :

•  Our Team is hosting a party this Friday September 26th to view the debates.  Food, beverages, and supporters will abound.  Come and watch the debates with us!  Email me for more info!
•  This Saturday September 27th, Florida A&M and Tennessee State University will be having a football classic out here at the Georgia Dome.  We are doing a huge voter registration drive at the event – which should be packed to capacity!  We have two shifts available – 2-5pm and 5-9pm.  Please email me at mssoteria@ymail.com if you are interested in volunteering for this event! 

2) I am starting an additional page to this blog which is titled Election 2008 and it will provide updates on the upcoming elections, the stance of the candidates on important issues, and updates directly from the grassroots campaigns that are organizing to help ensure an Obama steps into office.

I hope that whereever you are and whatever you do, you get involved in whatever way possible whether it is volunteering your time or giving money to the campaign…every little bit makes a difference!  If you have not registered to vote please visit this website : www.VoteForChange.com to complete your registration online and even if you have registered, you can check your status to make sure that you are in the system by visiting this site. 

LETS TAKE BACK AMERICA AND PUT IT BACK IN THE HANDS OF THE PEOPLE! 

THE TIME IS NOW!

Friends or More…how should it start?

As we all should know…getting older does not necessarily mean that you know everything about life. I believe that I have new epiphanies on life on a daily basis. One of the areas that I am still confused by is in the area of dating and relationships…

In your 30s it definitely becomes a little more challenging to connect with people given the fact that most everyone is busy with their job and regular day to day living. Generally unless you go out a lot or do the online thing it is pretty hard to connect with possible dating/ relationship prospects. Personally, I am an online dating vet. I was dating online well before it was popular to do so. One of the areas that I have struggled with when getting to know a man is the men who say that they are just looking for ‘friends’ and then they want to see where it develops. That idea always irked me and I always kinda looked at it like the person was not interested in a serious relationship and they just wanted to date a bunch of people. It was pretty much an immediate turn off for me and I can say that I turned away a lot of seemingly good prospects for that reason. My philosophy has been that I want to date someone who is interested in the possibility of a relationship and is interested in pursuing me to see if there is a match. That is old school, but that is how my daddy raised me.  I think that this philosphy worked quite well when people married their high school or college sweetheart and men were exposed to women in settings which allowed for them to get to know the women that they were interested in a more organic fashion.  However, now with people marrying older and career pursuits often taking the forefront, I don’t know if this philosophy was designed for our era.  In the modern dating scene you really have no way of determining who that person is and if they have ‘ways’ that you can deal with. The initial interaction is based on mutual attraction and then a monitored introduction to who that person is that is spoon fed to you over time. I am starting to look back on some of the relationships that I have had in the past and have come to realize that a lot of the error was in the fact that I became heavily involved with someone that I really didn’t know. Had I taken the time to get to know that person and see what type of habits, characteristics and traits that they actually had; I probably wouldn’t have dealed with a few of them at all. In fact, I don’t think that I’ve ever truly had a relationship that started off as friends…maybe that explains why they didn’t last.

My question is to the enlightened in the bunch. Have you had a successful relationship that started off as friends and eventually evolved into something deeper? How did it happen? How exactly do you date as friends?

Gen Y vs. Gen X

Gen Y’s idea of hot dancing…

Gen X’s idea of hot dancing…

What say you?

McCain, War Hero?

Souky breaks Down Some Grown Woman Game – 20somethings Pay Attention!

“Never, ever, neva’-eva’, stop seeing other men for any dude until you know for sure that the guy you are seriously digging is seriously digging you, point blank! Must keep your options open. You are always the focus not him.”

Ask A 30Something! – First Edition!

Ok, it is time for Ask a Thirtysomething!  I will be doing postings twice a week so get your questions in at mssoteria@ymail.com

Dear Soteria:

I am a 24 year old, college educated, professional female.  I recently met a 37 year old man that I really like.  He is a corporate attorney and he is tall, dark, and handsome! We’ve been out twice and each time he took me to really nice restaurants (he seemed to know everyone who worked there) and treated me like a queen.  It has only been three weeks since we started talking, but I wanna stop dating other guys and focus on just him.

The advice that I am looking for is on this.  This past weekend we were supposed to get together and go out for a night on the town.  He said that he had something special planned and for me to be available at around 7pm on Saturday.  Uusually I will hear from him at some point throughout the day to check on me and confirm us getting together, but for some reason he didn’t call me.  I called and then texted him around 6:30pm to figure out how I should dress and make sure we were still on for 7pm, but I got no answer.  Finally about 7:15pm I get a text from him saying that”I am rushing to the ER!”  Of course I was concerned about why he was going to the ER/ Was he sick?  Was a friend of his sick?  Was it a family member?  I immediately tried to call him and got no answer and then I texted him three times and still didn’t get any answer.  The next day I didn’t hear from him at all.  Then, mid-Monday morning he texts me and says “Released from ER earlier.  I had food poisioning, call you later”.  I still haven’t heard from him and I don’t know what to think.  I am tempted to call and check on him but I don’t want to seem to needy.  What should I do?

Confused on the Verge of Love

Dear COVOL:

Ok, where do I begin.  First off, what has happened here is that this man pulled a power play on you.  He wined and dined you and quickly figured out that he had you.  You made it quite obvious that you were into him, so he made you what is called a “backburner chick”.  A backburner chick is the girl that a man calls  when the woman that he is really trying to get with is unavailable.  I believe that you twentysomethings call it a “jump off” or the latest phrase that I have heard is a “bust it baby”(Why?!) 

Well let me diagnose this little episode.  He made plans with you earlier in the week.  The main girl called him on Saturday afternoon and asked him what he was doing.  He said “nothing”.  She then said that she wanted to go out and he could pick her up at 8pm.   This man obviously has a very low level of game, because he told you not only an idiotic lie, but he did it via TEXT MESSAGE!?! -that he was rushing to the ER and of couse he was too weak to pick up the phone and fully explain the situation.  Come on!  Then he calls you TWO DAYS LATER saying that he had what – FOOD POISIONING!?  Hello girlfriend!!  This man is claiming that he was in the hospital for TWO DAYS with FOOD POISONING?  

You should be insulted. 

In fact, I am insulted for you. 

Let me be real with you. This is why a lot of men in their mid to late 30s date young women – they haven’t caught on to game.  Generally speaking, the men on the lower end of the game spectrum find easy targets by dating 20somethings.   This dude HAS NO GAME.  Long story short:

HE. IS. WACK. Keep it moving. 

I’m going to have a tutoring session on how to recognize GAME later on in the week.  Stay tuned.